my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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