My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
