I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
