She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
God, I missed his penis.
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