I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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