pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
