That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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