Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
How does one acquire holy water?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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