Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
