Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
