Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
My vagina is officially offended.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
