Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
