Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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