Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
The dick lei will go down in squad history
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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