dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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