a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize