saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
