Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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