i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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