He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
