Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
