I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
