Everything about him screamed your future.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
