the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize