so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
