I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Randomize
