So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
