There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
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