I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
