The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
