I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
