i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize