I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
