I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You are a genius and a whore.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
