i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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