he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
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