My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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