the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
