fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
