Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
