True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
