I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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