Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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