Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
