my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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