thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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