That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
