my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
