Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
