I faked an abortion last night.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
