Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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