Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
