Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
