I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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