I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
