I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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